She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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