Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
