something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
