Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
