My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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