I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
