"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
