youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
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