after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
