Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
