She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Randomize
