You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
ya dads aren't the best wingmen
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I just want nice things and good sex
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Randomize
