Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Randomize
