Your dad touched me again.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
