i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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