I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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