So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
