Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
His hands were made for my vagina.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
