he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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