The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
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i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
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this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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