He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
