Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
