There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
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