He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
