i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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