The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
