im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
My vagina is officially offended.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
