a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
accomplished twins. life is a go
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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