I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
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You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
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Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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