I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
