Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
