can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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