1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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