The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
