Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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