i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
