apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
