Duck Duck Cougar?
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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