Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
