I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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