other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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