i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
