Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
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