i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
