whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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