I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Randomize
