I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
