Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
And then my night got REAL pukey
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
