you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
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