Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
