The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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