Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Randomize
