If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
