so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
