Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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