It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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