I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
