drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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