Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
