There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Randomize
