When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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